A while back during graduation season I attended one of my good friend's graduation parties. I knew there would be people from high school/middle school there; people I hadn't seen in years and really had no interest in seeing, but went for my friend (sucks, doesn't that? But apparently that's what adults do). I was kind of a loser in high school/middle school. I had a lot of friends but because kids are mean by default, I still got picked on a lot for various reasons, whatever. We all do. I was an ugly duckling and was full of teenage angst, which is a deadly combination.
Anyhow, I showed up at this party wearing my big girl attitude, fully ready to be judged by jerks/jerkettes who haven't left hs/ms years behind. I was met with a pretty hilarious surprise. Somehow, I was the hot girl now. Ain't that some shit? I will fully admit that I am a hell of a lot better looking now than I was in those days, but I had dudes stuttering and chicks staring DAGGERS at me. I have never experienced that before in my life anywhere, and if you had told me five years ago that that would happen, I would laugh in your face. While it was a weird experience it was oddly gratifying. As mean as it sounds, if someone tells you they get no satisfaction from seeing school bullies/general douche-rockets doing worse than they are years later, they're LYING.
Is that immature? Probably. Satisfying nonetheless, though.
But all the nostalgia mad me do something this morning. I pulled out my old yearbooks—two from middle school and one from my senior year of high school—and went through them in chronological order. The photos of myself still make me cringe, even though I tell myself NOW that it was an awkward stage for everybody.
I remembered people that I hadn't thought about it years, and it made me shudder to realize how many kids are dead now. I'm only 22, HS class of 2007. It's 2011, and since graduation there have been way too many deaths, especially suicides. The fact that there were so many kids that didn't even get bullied that took that way out is alarming. Because it made me think about what kind of things that they must have been dealing with that were WORSE. I thought I had been having a pretty shitty time back then, but there were people who were suffering even worse off.
Much like they must have, I thought I was literally a nothing, and a nobody that would never go anywhere. Then I read the signatures. Signatures that I admittedly disregarded back then, but reading them this morning made me cry. Two in particular—one from girl that I have all the respect in the world for, and one from a BRILLIANT English teacher. Really long messages telling me that they knew I would go places with my writing, and they knew I that with it, I could do great things. There were a lot of signatures saying nice things and giving nice wishes, etc. But honestly? These were the only two that mattered. And that it because they were the only two that I knew were honest.
I'm out to prove these two people right with a vengeance. It probably sounds corny, but I always believed in these two people and it means everything to me that they believe in me. I know I didn't have it GREAT in high school, a lot of people don't. I know this is different from my usual snark, but it needs to be said. I know that not even a lot of people will read this, and that's fine. But for anyone who does, who might be having some of those self doubt-y feelings, or feel like they'll never be anything, please, please, please take it from me. There are people out there who KNOW (not think) you are wonderful. It does get better.
